Oddball Film Report: a space opera double feature

Note: These reviews were originally written for Ken Begg's www.jabootu.net feature Video Cheese. They have been published here by his kind permission.

STARSHIP (1985 - color)
    "Lush but boring STAR WARS clone."

   When George Lucas unleashed STAR WARS, box office and merchandising history were made. Imitations were quick to follow, but few were as opulent or satisfying as BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, or BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS, or even STARCRASH. Most were ambitious, but rickety, imports (in fact, a 1965 Italian wonder with an oh-so-60's aesthetic was imported and slapped with the title STAR PILOT just because it had a space theme). Few matched the opulence of Lucas' marvel, and some skipped the space opera stuff for a more traditional (and usually more cost-effective) invasion-from-space plot. More detailed spaceship models than had been seen in previous years provided the aesthetic desired, as the Lucas aesthetic largely abandoned sleek spacecraft in favor of super-detailed workhorse vehicles. 

    So great was the thirst for such fare, though, that 1978-1981 saw a huge number of mock-STAR WARS epics doing their best to quench the movie-going public. This was a world-wide phenomenon, too, as dozens of space operas of varying quality arrived from Japan, Italy, and England. (In England, the success of STAR WARS even rubbed off on James Bond, and thus the 007 epic MOONRAKER jumped ahead of FOR YOUR EYES ONLY as the follow up to the successful THE SPY WHO LOVED ME.)

   So long as it involved space travel, or action set on some alien world, it was marketed directly at the monstrous audience that made STAR WARS such a bonanza. Infamously, Sandy Frank secured pop culture immortality by being one of the first to capitalize on Lucas' hit. He did this by importing a Japanese cartoon series about costumed spies and cutting in interplanetary exposition that turned it into Battle of the Planets! Frank would show the heroes take off from one country, cut in footage of deep space, and add a line about mirror planets across the universe, then show the G Force land in another, all-too-earth-like, country. Bingo, a space opera!

   Here, we discover a promising, but ultimately lackluster effort that won't take long to write about. Rather than huge space battles, we have instead a saga of refuges and rebels who attempt to thwart a plot to kill a planet of colonists/miners and replace them with robot soldiers who will be far more efficient at supplying minerals to whatever totalitarian regime is commanding this film's universe. The entire affair will be planet bound, with scenes either set in the desert wasteland above or the metal catacombs beneath, below being where everyone lives. This one looks better than most examples, but it had me sorely missing the sense of fun found in the much more entertaining SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE. Everything is relative, though, so STARSHIP is a veritable masterpiece compared to some of the same period's Italian space-junk that I've sat through. Here, stuff happens, and it's competently depicted, but with so little flash or substance that I found my mind wandering during the last reel. Ultimately, I found very little to talk about.

   The STAR WARS influence is everywhere, but the end result feels more like a MAD MAX/THE ROAD WARRIOR knock-off. A distant planet is mostly a huge dust-bowl save for the large colony established some generations ago. This is a mining colony, and not only has supply to the federation dropped off, but the colonists are beginning to revolt against the galactic empire, or whoever. Humanoid robots are dispatched to squash the rebellion, which turns out to be a bunch of protesters who likely couldn't do more than toss Molotov cocktails if they were actually forced to fight. That's not to say there isn't an actual rebel force in place, though, and the resistance movement will cause quite a bit of trouble before things are over. For instance, they plant an explosive on a re-built robot and then send the decoy to a repair center before detonating him.

   The characters are mostly echoes of the STAR WARS figures, only less optimistic. There's a young guy who joins the rebellion after the robots kill his mother while attempting to flee, there's a girl who's had to become a commando to survive, and there's Grid, a highly civil robot who manages to combine the traits of both C-3PO and R2-D2. He has a subdued English tone, as if said voice were being provided by Roddy McDowall doing an Anthony Daniels impression. Grid is a teacher droid who turns into a decent commando, but he's played by a midget, so he also has a child-like quality. 

   There's a bounty hunter, a solider droid who's anxious to take over the facility, and the heavy. He's a human soldier who claims a rather impressive former career, but is now disgusted to be an exterminator. His character could have been interesting if explored a little further, since he seems to have some moral qualms about killing other humans, but dares not defy his orders. It's not much, but makes for a fairly shaded character who COULD provide some interesting footage. Sadly, that doesn't happen here.

    Basically, the bad guys target the good characters and chase them all over the county. There's some hokum about hijacking one of the federation's heavy cargo ships, and a killer droid that looks just like Grid on the loose at one point, but honestly, this affair is so listless I didn't recall much after it was finished. It makes one realize that pace is often more important than production values.

   One area they sort of cheated for spectacle was a big set-piece involving a chase across the desert. Rather than build a facade for some future-y super vehicle, they instead just use one of those giant dump-trucks. The resultant fight scene that plays across this device looks less like something from a space opera than it does something from a spy epic. Unfortunately, this is the action highlight (and even that isn't very captivating), and there's still about 2/3's left to go.

   In the end, not a very memorable picture. Well made, but forgettable.

STAR CRYSTAL (1985 - color)
   "An intelligent creature is loose on a cargo ship about two years away from Earth."

   An ALIEN knock-off that plays better than it indicates it will, yet ultimately less than a masterpiece, STAR CRYSTAL has the credit of at least going in a different direction than we expect. 

   That's good, because first indications are of an ultra-cheap version of the same sort of ALIEN re-tread we've seen a dozen times before in late-night movie slots (although, I'm willing to grant that as awful as those films tend to be, at least they typically move much faster than their lethargic inspiration). How bad does this one look? Well, were it not from the 80's, you could easily be mistaken and think it had been commissioned for The Sci-Fi Channel. (Okay, it might not look THAT bad, since at least we're not subjected to giant cartoon snakes.)

   We start with the discovery of a strange object on Mars, out of which hatches a slimy monster and it's power source, the titular object. At this point, you'd think the show would depict the creature menacing the crew of the ship that find the crystal, but that's misdirection no. 1, as we soon pull into a space station where we're introduced to a handful of minor characters. 

   At this point, you'd think the creature was going to stalk the crew of this station, but welcome to misdirection no. 2! The station explodes and only five people manage to escape in the cargo ship that recently returned from Mars! I'm thinking they started filming the first plot, then had to change things when an actor dropped out or something. They then came up with the space station routine, and then had another something go wrong behind the camera. They finally settle into a main story, though, and we follow the survivors as they begin their long journey back to Earth.

   I gotta tell you, things look pretty bad at this point, quality-wise. The sets are cheap as you can imagine, and everything looks like it was made for a threadbare TV show. The acting is either terrible or bland, and it's shaping up to be another body-count-in-space vehicle. Fortunately, this is yet another misdirection. While the final film isn't great, it does manage to become (fairly) gripping in the second half. I'd avoid reading this, though, should you ever attempt to watch it, as I will provide spoilers. You have been warned.

   So we have what looks like a dry run for Red Dwarf. The only men aboard are technicians, not pilots. However, the first technician holds the highest rank, so he's the defacto captain. He's the white loser guy. His partner is a less-hip-than-he-thinks-he-is black guy who isn't too tore up about the long journey back to earth, since it'll give him a chance to make time with the three women on board. There's a crabby engineer, a serious and impatient doctor, and a cute blonde woman who's purpose I don't recall. She seems to've been included just to provide a gratuitous nude scene, but much to my surprise, the film avoids nudity completely! That's sort of odd for an ALIEN knock-off, isn't it?

   Also, despite this Losers In Space set-up, the film isn't a comedy. One can only imagine how painful -and even more obscure- the film would have been if they'd gone in that direction.

   The cargo ship has a few rooms at the bow and stern, but is mostly a maze of tunnels in the middle.  A diagram of these tunnels, showing crew location based on body heat, are displayed on a big computer screen, so the characters can see when one of their number are being closed in on by the creature, which is now up and around. The creature quickly dissolves the majority of the crew, leaving the Captain and the Doctor to lock themselves in the cockpit and wait out the creature. Now instead of getting boring, this is actually the part where it starts to become (comparatively) interesting.

   The slimy Martian proves to be intelligent and ever-learning. While waiting out the humans, it taps into the computer system and ultimately takes control of the ship. We see the creature at one point searching the information banks of the computer, and studying up on Christianity. This was a weird tilt-the-head-and-arch-the-eyebrows moment for me, as it had me wondering if this was going to be one of those rare instances of a monster who finds God. Or, more likely, was this going to be yet another dig at Christianity by some smug Hollywood writer? Oddly, it was more the former option that the film ultimately took!

   Desperate for food after days of being locked into the cockpit (don't you know THAT was an unpleasing smell!), the Captain decides he must make a break for the supply room through the barely adequate corridors of the ship where his friend was earlier horribly slain. He finds the creature, natch, but it doesn't kill him. Instead it communicates. 

   The creature, it argues, didn't kill the others in malice, but in self-defense. Thinking over the circumstances, the Captain accepts this and chats with the monster. The Doctor, meanwhile, worried about the only man she'll be in the company of for the next year, heads into the corridors. She attempts to attack the Martian, but she's stopped. The creature doesn't kill her either, having learned the value of human life. Besides, it needs them to help repair the ship. Conversing enough to see reason, the trio peacefully co-exist on the long flight to the supply station.

   During that time, the creature becomes a cute side-kick, both helping to repair the crippled ship and getting in the way like some lovable sheep dog. Like I said, a very unexpected turn for an ALIEN clone! In the end, the creature heads back to Mars, and the humans have peace.

   Okay, I'm sure you're wondering what the monster looks like. (After all, that's really the ultimate point of these things, right?) Well, it isn't the spooky, toothy menace promised by the poster art. No, it's more of a huge yellow slug-like affair with big red eyes and a small mouth. 

   Let's say you had this anime series about a sexy space adventuress who piloted a futuristic pirate star-ship. Now say she had a bubbly, somewhat scatter-brained but just as sexy sidekick, say her navigator. Now say SHE had a pet alien that cooed and chirped and didn't do much on the show but would irritate the pilot character because it was always sleeping in her underwear drawer. Now imagine that creature as being live-action, coated in gel, and the size of a wolf, and THAT's the monster.

   Nothing to write home about, but if you can get through the first half, a fairly novel approach to a well-exercised genre.

Oddball Film Report: HIRED TO KILL (1990)

Note: this review was originally written for www.jabootu.net, and it has been published here first by the kind permission of Mr. Ken Begg.

HIRED TO KILL (1990 - color)

"A mercenary and some lady commandos go undercover as a fashion designer and his models, aiming to heat up a revolution on a small island nation."

   Going into HIRED TO KILL, I wasn't expecting THE DELTA FORCE or anything. I wasn't even expecting THE PANTHER SQUAD, for that matter, because the video box looked like it was trying to pass itself off as an Andy Sidraris movie. This is education, as it demonstrates that Sidaris had a successful formula, even though he didn't do it very well.

   Sidaris made movies that were pretty blunt about what they were, which is to say economical action movies mixing fiery explosions with gratuitous nudity. Big guys with big guns would mix it up with busty gals who carried big guns, and blow up a few bad guys. At least once per picture, often two or three times, the girls would strip down for a shower or the occasional hot tub scene. With this reliable exposure of female skin (though it weirdly became increasingly fleeting as the cycle grew older), the films of Mr. Sidaris became staples of the video rental era. What always struck me was, given the simplicity of Mr. Sidaris' formula, how poorly he did it! Andy's movies always ran too long and thought themselves more amusing than they were. Seeing a film trying to front as a Sidaris-a-like sounds okay on the surface, since they might do a better job with the same materials. The problem was, I had seen a film from our director already, one Nico Mastorakis, and it was a chore to sit through. So much so that as result I had a bit more respect for the Sidaris cannon!

   The film I had seen was a limp espionage/college comedy called SKYHIGH. I found  myself leaning on the fast forward button, a pretty rare occurrence in my house. The plot detailed a trio of unlikable students on vacation to the Mediterranean who find themselves in possession of a mind-control cassette tape sought by enemy spies. It was a lifeless affair that had me running screaming for the nearest Matt Helm movie I could get my hands on (the Tony Franciosa pilot movie included). That SKYHIGH wasn't Nico's first film is embarrassing, and I soon learned just how well Sidaris made his movies (we're grading on a curve here). Needless to say, this did not bode well for the film I was about to watch.

   This is my fourth female commando movie, and interestingly it reworks a lot of elements from HUSTLER SQUAD, which actually wasn't a bad movie (and I've given it a full review previously, for those interested). HUSTLER SQUAD involved a plot to use women posing as concubines to infiltrate an island cathouse where top Japanese brass would visit during WW2. This was to help Filipino rebels. The operation was under command of a Colonel who really wasn't keen on the idea of using women as commandos, but came to respect them.

   HIRED TO KILL involves a plot to use female commandos posing as fashion models to infiltrate and overthrow a dictator's ruthless island government and help some rebels take control. This operation is under control of a mercenary who doesn't like working with women, but comes to respect them. I suppose there're only so many plots you can dream up for a female commando story, but the first half here was weirdly similar to the earlier film.

   Both involve suicide missions requiring female agents working in tropical surroundings, both feature the male hero and his immediate underling -female- enlisting volunteers from various seedy locales, including prison. Both films feature a squad member who is over-sexed, one who was traumatized by being raped, one hiding from authorities, and one who killed her lover. In both films, the girls are placed under command of a man who doesn't like the assignment and then the ladies engage in intensive training. The similarities were so strong in the first half, I wondered if HIRED TO KILL weren't an unofficial remake of HUSTLER SQUAD....

   Much to my relief, HIRED TO KILL starts like an actual movie, with a decent 'action-movie' title sequence of transparent blue wording on a stark black background, with a driving piece of surprisingly decent 'action-movie' music. This was so well-done, it got my hopes up that maybe this would be closer to THE DELTA FORCE than it had any right to be (yeah, right). Certainly the cast being headed by George Kennedy, Oliver Reed, and Jose Ferrer meant it could go in either direction. It ultimately was a lot better than I expected, pretty decent for this kind of thing, really. Fortunately, somewhere in there, Nico figured out how to make a movie (taking on a co-director probably helped too)!

   With the credits finished, I immediately sank back into a state of dread. The first thing we see is a private yacht at dock. This (along with the inevitable cowhide briefcase, cross-dressers, and model helicopters) was an Andy Sidaris staple. At once, I recalled my favorite of the Sidaris line, MIAMI EXPRESS. "Cody Abilene just got another case" I said to myself...

   Cutting inside the craft, we see a man trying to sleep as the telephone is ringing. Pulling a huge revolver (another Sidaris trademark, as his films always featured a guy who carried around a .44 magnum -although they could never hit anything), the guy shoots his telephone. Har har, I suppose. Our sleepy hero, Ryan, is still roused, however, by what appears to be a CIA agent. A man named Thomas wants to see him.

   Fortunately, from here on, the film improves quite a bit. Thomas is played by George Kennedy, and he gives a much more lively performance than I expected. Considering he more or less sleep-walked through COUNTERFORCE and the dreary ALIEN-knock-off THE TERROR WITHIN, I wasn't expecting this to be much higher on his list of fine performances. Much to my delight, this proved a refreshing reminder of why Kennedy is one of my favorites. Weirdly, it may be one of his best performances of this period! He also looks trimmer than usual, or at least moreso than he did playing Ed Hockin.

   Thomas represents a mysterious corporate/government entity, to which the CIA are mere lackeys, looking to overthrow a tiny island's ruthless dictator, Bartos (Oliver Reed, rendered practically unrecognizable by his bushy handlebar mustache and Latin accent). Ryan is the best man for the job, but security is so tight that a squad of men will never get in. The solution is to send in a squad of female agents, under Ryan's command. They'll cover as a fashion designer and his top models. Funny how you'll play along when you're actually watching the film, only to later fully realize how comical a film's premise can be!

   So yes, this is basically Charlie's Angels writ large.

   There's not really enough of a plot to go into, as this is all stuff we've seen in a dozen other films (although it's handled well, relatively). Our commandos fight among themselves before coming together as a unit and shooting a bunch of bad guys holding Jose Ferrer hostage in an old castle. One of their number is a plant, sent in to make sure Ryan and his crew don't fully succeed. It's all pretty basic stuff. 

   The film does unexpectedly kill off Ryan's potential romantic interest half way through, however, so that was unexpected (though it probably shouldn't have been so shocking, since this also happened in RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD, PART 2). Even more unexpected was that he would quickly develop a relationship with the girl he most recently met!

   The film was mostly a showcase piece for Brian Thompson, who plays Ryan, in the hopes of building him up to be the next big action star. While not a bad actor, and certainly built well, the ugly Thompson really doesn't have the looks, or chops, to be a leading man. He's made more to play heavies, and he's played quite a few of them. He probably got the most attention on the big screen by playing the Night Slasher in the popular Stallone film COBRA. On TV he's been pretty busy, maybe most remembered as the 'Alien Bounty Hunter' from several episodes of the long-running The X Files.

   Not particularly smooth, Thompson does what he can. He has a few good scenes, such as a moment toward the climax where he mentally questions his orders to kill someone.

   Another good scene has the paranoid Bartos trying to catch Ryan with his guard down. Ryan is posing as a homosexual fashion designer (I know, just go with it), and Bartos posits his theory that man requires sex with a woman to give his life something soft he can cherish, or some such. While explaining this, he undresses his moll* who is actually an undercover rebel agent and caresses her breasts. Ryan pretends he doesn't find her all that attractive and Bartos makes her leave before walking over to Ryan. Thinking he has the drop on Ryan, Bartos grabs Ryan's crotch to check his arousal at the previous display. Caught, Ryan kisses Bartos and pretends to come on to him. Bartos has Ryan escorted from the room. Admittedly, Bartos wiping his mouth while stammering at this unexpected move struck me as pretty funny.

(* This again raises the nudity issue. This young woman has two scenes where her breasts are flashed, but otherwise the film has only a little cheesecake via swimwear. It's a genre noted for it's gratuitous nudity, but I manage to keep drawing films that don't feel compelled to play that card. What're the odds?)

   He's probably at his worst in a scene where he argues with the rebel girl about the merits of each other's respective jobs/lifestyles. This is supposed to be a fight that results in a sexual encounter. The problem is that Thompson lacks any sort of smoothness for this sort of thing. He comes across as a brutish thug, and the resultant sex scene plays more like a rape. His holding the girl down by the throat during their congress probably didn't help counter this vibe.

   In the end, though, not a bad action movie if you're looking for a way to kill an hour and a half. It's better than most of your cheap made-for-video fare, actually getting a theatrical release from Paramount, although it's still a B picture. The ending isn't bad, either*. Not gangbusters stuff, but a bit better than I was expecting.

(SPOILER - *Actually, it's quite endearing for not just killing off it's bad guy when the good guys are given a clear shot. Instead, they leave the unarmed dictator to the rebels who surround him.

And then there's the actual finish. Earlier in the film, Ryan made it clear to Thomas that if he got double-crossed, Thomas would die. Thomas jokes that Ryan will be back in time to help him celebrate his birthday. Naturally, Ryan gets double-crossed and the film ends with Thomas arriving home to find Ryan and the girls singing "Happy Birthday" before Ryan cocks his pistol and wishes Thomas well. We then cut to black.)

Video Cheese: End of the World double feature

Note: These reviews were originally written for Video Cheese, a feature of www.jabootu.net. They have been published here by the kind permission of Mr. Ken Begg. They've also been held back for a long time because I didn't want anyone to mistake the theme as some sort of political commentary. Given that it's Fall now, though, I think I can make the joke a connection to the change away from my favorite of seasons... Unplanned, but interesting, is that this also coincides with another date that's been set for the Rapture by people who continue to overlook the fact that scripture spells out that no human being can know the date beforehand. Anyway, on to our double feature...

HOLOCAUST 2000 (1978 - color)
   "Kirk Douglas vs the Antichrist."

    From the title, I expected a science fiction epic. What I got was a knock-off of THE OMEN!

    I've noted it before, and I'll note it again: devil movies tend to be more aggravating than entertaining, because so few of them are written by anyone with any spiritual knowledge. Because of this, I have never bothered with THE OMEN, or any of the multitude of rip-offs and cash-ins produced in the film's wake. Oh, a few such films have crossed my path, but as rule I don't go out of my way to see them. In that light, HOLOCAUST 2000 is probably the best of the lot. I had mixed feelings about it, but in general I felt it was a pretty good picture. Intriguing and well-made, with a fine cast, it keeps you interested until the end. (No pun intended!)

    The film is built around a Revelation prophesy about a seven-headed monster with ten crowns who rises from the sea in the End Times. Given power, the beast sways the nations and persecutes the people of God. This beast is followed by another beast which acts as a puppet to the first. Both are working for the Anti-christ, in a war against Israel and God's chosen, swaying the unlearned, bringing war and destruction to the world. (Fortunately, the book includes the ending, one rather happy for those who choose Christ over the world and the devil.) Most Bible readers, myself included, interpret this monster to be a conglomeration of nations opposed to Israel.

   HOLOCAUST 2000 interprets the monster as a proposed nuclear plant to be built in the Holy Land (how exactly the construction of this plant is to bring about the end of the world isn't clearly communicated, so I guess they just assumed the audience would be anti nuclear power). As we start, industrialist Kirk Douglas is blasting clear the site for the proposed project, right in the heart of spiritually significant land.

   Prior to detonation, Kirk shows a lady reporter, Eva (Virginia McKenna) a cave discovered under the blast site, where has been found an inscription carved into the wall which is simply the Hebrew word for "Jesus."  Eva takes a picture of Kirk standing next to the inscription on the cave wall. Later, when developed, the photo shows a cave painting behind Kirk, an apocalyptic image of a seven-headed monster. The exact same image is found on a canvas painting seen in a book, a picture painted hundreds of years later by an artist who couldn't have seen the cave painting.

   Opposition to the nuclear plant is strong, and an Arab assassin attempts to knife Kirk at a party thrown to raise support for the plant. Kirk's oh-so-angelic-looking-young-man of a son intervenes and saves Kirk's life, but kills his mother in the process. Her death will be the first of a series of bizarre murders and accidents of anyone who opposes the building of the plant. Kirk finds every obstacle clearing the path to build his plant, but he also becomes increasingly concerned as he begins to see prophecy coming true....

   Honestly, I don't know how much to say, as the film is best viewed without spoilers (granted, a pretty big one is patently obvious from the start). I have to say something, though, or else I'm just slacking on my duties here.

   The cast is full of familiar faces. Adelfo Celi drops by, for example. Who will ever forget his cycloptic SPECTRE agent Emilio Largo from THUNDERBALL, still The Biggest Bond Of All? Another 007 vet seen here is Geoffrey Keen, who replaced Bernard Lee as M, after doing a couple episodes as one of M's associates. Simon Ward plays Kirk's son, given the hopelessly absurd name of Angel Cain!

   Ultimately, not too bad -though no masterpiece by any stretch. It's a rare feat to make a devil movie that doesn't insult the intelligence of Christians (which should be the target audience, if you think about it), but this picture manages to be interesting enough to hold itself. Not the greatest thriller, but well worth a view if you're looking for a more intelligent than usual 70's occult horror opus. 

   Evidently, it was issued under a number of titles. The digital antenna channel Comet ran it recently under the title RAIN OF FIRE.

FUTURE HUNTERS (1986 - color)

   "A hunt for a powerful artifact crosses the borders of several countries -and film genres."

   FUTURE HUNTERS is actually a video title, but I can't uncover the original title of the film, so it will have to suffice.

   Interesting experience. The film is mostly a collection of themes cribbed from other films, and yet the end result is greater than the sum of its parts. There's a mixture of elements from THE TERMINATOR, THE ROAD WARRIOR, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, KING SOLOMON'S MINES, Hercules, James Bond, Hong Kong action and kung fu films, Rambo, ROMANCING THE STONE, just a hodge-podge of just about anything you can imagine. Yet the film manages to be quite fresh and entertaining. I'd give it a good solid B in the action/adventure category.

   We open on a typical post-apocalypse world where bad guys drive around in old muscle cars (painted black and mounted with weaponry), who chase their intended prey into quarries, just like we've seen in 19,000 Italian movies from the 80's. And yet, this is done 19,000 times more competently than we're used to seeing. I knew something was weird when these threadbare elements were producing a shockingly gripping sequence. The first five minutes are more entertaining than the entirety of nearly every other movie I've seen use these same props. I couldn't figure out why this was the case, either, as they didn't seem to show ANYTHING that was different from all those other films.

   This opening also starts with some narration to bring us up to speed. This was done in such a fashion, though, as to make me think this were a trailer for another film before the feature presentation. It sounds like Don LaFontaine reading the ad copy for the latest science fiction epic. This intro clues us into the fact that this won't be the typical ROAD WARRIOR knock-off.

   As is genre SOP, a nuclear war has reduced the earth to a big desert with isolated tribes battling for survival. There's an evil government force that rules with an iron hand. Some rebels believe that the only hope mankind has is to return to the past prior to the war and stop it from happening. The key to this is the Spear of Longinus that pierced Christ after his Crucifixion! Somehow, wielding it will transport a man through time! Enter the one man who can save the world, a warrior named Mathew....

   The first reel or so shows Mathew's adventure as he is chased by the bad guys (Mathew has his own black muscle car, although it bites the dust when his opponents bring in tanks!) and kills off an impressive number of armed soldiers. Despite the efforts of the governing body, Mathew makes it to the ruins of an old church. There he finds the head of the spear just as the enemy forces obliterate the building. (To make their tanks more future-y, they've swiveled the turrets around and are driving the tanks in reverse!)

   Mathew wakes to find himself in 1986, in the same church, days before the nuclear holocaust that created his world.

   A young woman, Michelle, and her fiancée, Slade (a young Robert Patrick in his first film, already getting top billing some years before his star-making role as the T-1000), are examining the church, and the paintings upon its walls. Some bikers pull up, beat up Slade, and try to rape Michelle. Matthew intervenes and saves Michelle, but gets shot in the process. Before expiring, Matthew tells Michelle and Slade they must carry on his mission. And thus we witness the exit of Mathew, the coolest, but  shortest-lived action hero I have ever met. 

   That's right, Matthew was just there to set things in motion. The real story will revolve around this pair of bickering lovers!

   While game for an action lead, I note Robert Patrick is pretty green here. He'd grow into a much better actor (although some of his stiffness here may be the fault of the director), and I find myself wondering what he thinks of his first film in retrospect.

   The pair now has the spear head, which Michelle saw turn one biker into ashes when stabbed by Matthew. Slade doesn't want to have anything to do with it, but Michelle has made up her mind to honor Matthew's dying request. Although reluctant, Slade decides to tag along with Michelle when thugs try to beat her up to gain possession of the artifact.

   The spear must be connected to it's shaft and placed in direct sunlight, as the two objects on their own and left in the dark have apparently perverted their power. Evil forces are after the spear, and if they get it, so begins the nuclear war! (Actually, the spear was sought by Hitler, as he believed whomever possessed the spear would be unbeatable. It was his obsession with the spear which inspired the Third Reich's quest for the Ark of the Covenant in Steven Speilberg's RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, which in turn inspired this little adventure.....)

   Matthew mentioned a scientist named Hightower, so Michelle and Slade go to see him. They find his assistant, who tells them Hightower's exact whereabouts are unknown. So starts a journey across the world, first stop being China. 

   In China, Slade picks up a sidekick played by Bruce Le (but the credits list as Bruce Li, the other Bruce Lee impersonator. One wonders what Le thought upon discovering this little boo boo). Since we're in China, the film suddenly morphs into a Chinese one. First, Slade and Le wander into a sacred temple watched over by an old master who promptly beats up both parties. Le fights back, though, and makes sure to remove his shirt so he's seen wearing nothing other than those baggy black pants like Bruce Lee wore in ENTER THE DRAGON! He even produces a pair of nun-chucks! So we get a fight scene that's pretty neat, despite it's being completely out of place! The battle ends when a sniper, aiming for Slade, takes out the monk.

   Michelle, having just finished a shower, is attacked by Chinese gangsters! (From kung fu movie to crime picture in less than a minute! They even make sure to rip open Michelle's robe and flash her breasts to make the aesthetic complete...) Slade and Le return and mop up the floor with the bad guys before they can harm Michelle. 

   Our heroes learn that Hightower has fled to Manila, and we leave China. Weirdly, we also leave Le! It was looking like he was going to be Slade's sidekick for the rest of the picture, but I guess he fulfilled his obligations by reminding us of Bruce Lee and beating up a few guys, because he drops out of the picture completely!

   In Manila, everything becomes clear. The Fourth Reich is after the spear, and they manage to steal the blade from Slade and Michelle. A bound Hightower is on hand, but he'll not survive the movie. The Nazis blow up their headquarters, taking out Hightower. Slade and Michelle escape, though, and the pair take off after the bad guys as they fly into the jungle. 

   Their continuing adventures involve Mongols, pygmies, and Amazons! (Amusingly, Michelle relates the legend of some amazon women-like warriors, but the line comes out emphasizing "woman-like" and I had a lot of fun picturing woman-like warriors. Also, ever notice that movies tend to be fond of the phrase 'Amazon women' as opposed to just saying 'Amazons'? I think Michelle would still have gotten her point across had she called the tribe Amazon-like, but what do I know?)

   Considering there's hardly a single original idea to be found here, I was pretty amazed at well it all holds together! Even the thematic style seems to change frequently, as if a number of different films were spliced together in random order. It goes from a Mad Max movie to a kung fu movie, to Hong Kong action thriller, to James Bond movie, to ROMANCING THE STONE, to Indiana Jones, and then to Rambo, then to Allan Quatermain..... It keeps you guessing what direction they'll go in next! Yet, the final result is actually a pretty entertaining picture. Weird film.

    One thing I must mention is one of the wildest continuity/editing errors I've ever seen in my long career as a videonaut! There's a scene toward the end where some characters are trying to dig through a pile of rocks, and our leading couple runs over to help them. We see the pair enter shot and move away some stones, then we cut over to the pair STILL STANDING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SET! They then step forward and begin moving the stones! It's like they were having a vision of what they were about to do!

Video Cheese: CERTAIN FURY (1985)

 Note: This review was originally written for www.jabootu.net's Video Cheese feature. It has been published here by the kind permission of Mr. Ken Begg.

CERTAIN FURY (1985 - color)

   "An innocent runaway teams up with a street-wise survivor and the two must run from the law through the dirty and crime-ridden underworld of the city."

   If you want my advice, I say skip Certain Fury and opt for the vaguely similar Teenage Doll, a late-50's Roger Corman pic about nice girl June Kenney becoming involved with criminal JD's and being on the hook for killing someone. Certain Fury seems to be built on the frame of that earlier film, but built up with cynical and pretentious elements to become a sleazy 'buddy' picture of sorts. 

   In the end, there's not a lot here that sticks with you. This is partly because the film keeps changing what direction it wants to go in. It starts a slick drama, then quickly becomes a violent exploitation picture, then settles into tragic character study, back to exploitation picture, occasional flirtations with character-based comedy, back to drama, back to exploitation, back to drama, and none of it is handled very well.

   Our stars are former child actress Tatum O'Neal, and successful singer/songwriter (and occasional actress) Irene Cara. This would seem both young ladies' bid to become serious actresses, but they've picked the wrong screenplay. While the script manages to be smart at times, its just as often moronic. 

   Tatum (who I must admit isn't hard on the eyes) plays Scarlet, a young lady who has grown up on the streets and has known nothing but hardship. She has somehow managed to survive despite not knowing how to read. I'm sure a better actress could have made more of this part, but O'Neal is all wrong. She never suggests someone with enough wit to survive the almost apocalyptic world she's supposed to come from. One of her traits is that she puts on a submissive act to get what she wants from the men in her life, and they're all catching on. The problem is, she's so bad at this act that it's hard to accept that anyone EVER fell for it.

   Cara fares better as Tracy, in over her head but looking for a way out. She's the conscience of the pair, and that will provide most of the conflict between the characters. 

   In one scene, Scarlet gives Tracy some dope to sell for money, but Tracy refuses to make money that way. Tracy must stick close to Scarlet, however, because she's the only person she has even a slight bond with who can survive the mean streets. In what I found the film's best moment, Scarlet calls Tracy "the N word" and Tracy gets offended, delivering a profanity-laced speech to put Scarlet in her place. But Scarlet is bemused that her words could have such a reaction, coming as she does from a world where race isn't an issue. Had the majority of the film delivered this much intelligence, it might have been a pretty fun watch.

   We open with a bunch of girls being filed into court, Tracy and Scarlet among them. Scarlet is more bored than anything else, having lived through this kind of thing many times before (although it looks like she may have the book thrown at her this time). Tracy, caught joyriding in a car she didn't know contained illegal narcotics, is terrified of this new situation she's found herself in. She has a wealthy father, but he's been so neglectful of Tracy since the passing of his wife that he remains unaware of his daughter's predicament. Tracy expects the defense lawyer to have been sent by him, but instead finds herself being defended by a court-appointed lawyer.

   Things quickly take a turn as a couple hookers take over the room. One sings and creates a diversion until the guard approaches her, at which point she slashes his throat and the other grabs his gun and takes the judge hostage.

   This sudden eruption of Tarantino-like violence lasts just long enough to lull us into the impression that this will be an action film. As more guards burst into the room, the judge is accidentally shot, his brains sprayed all over the man standing next to him. In the ensuing firefight, much carnage is depicted. 

   Scarlet and Tracy manage to escape in the confusion, but the homicidal hooker tags along with them long enough for the Police to get the impression that the pair was in on the break which resulted in the deaths of a good dozen or so cops and bystanders. The film briefly jumps into Jabootu territory when the girls jump a fence and the 'iron' spikes which line the top wobble as if, well, as if they were rubber props. In the very next scene, the hooker tries to scale the fence and follow, and a cop grabs her ankles. We get a close-up shot of a pair of spikes poking through her body! I didn't think the spikes looked that long when they were rubber, nor did I think the cop had enough of a grip, or leverage, to do that to her!

   The girls escape into the sewer, but the cops are behind them. One manages to trap them in a dead end in a half-flooded drain. After calling in to let his superiors know where he's located, the cop then pulls out a cigarette. Oddly, it is Tracy, and not the cop, who notices the sewer gas and remembers its inflammable. There is a huge explosion, one which causes giant fireballs to erupt into the street. 

   The girls manage to dive into the water and save themselves. The cop, who somehow isn't burned despite the center of the explosion being inches from his face, also survives but is hooked on the drain's grate with his head under water. Tracy tries to save him, but can't get him free fast enough. Tracy is now convinced she's responsible for his death.

   The girls eventually leave the sewer and head down town, where Scarlet knows a guy who has a place they can hide out in. His apartment also doubles as his studio for taking pornographic pictures, and the guy is also Scarlet's pimp. Tracy asks to use his shower, and Scarlet heads out to get some traveling money (or something) from Peter Fonda! 

   I'm not 100% sure what Fonda's character is all about (he seems to be a mob boss), or what exactly his previous relationship with Scarlet was (he may have been one of her 'Johns' but he may have been more than that). He's cooled on her now, though. She takes offense and starts to chew him out, which causes Peter to slash her cheek with his knife. 

   Meanwhile, Scarlet's pimp tries to rape Tracy in the shower (in an odd move for a supposedly serious performance, Cara provides a full frontal nude scene -though this is seen through the minimally textured shower door) and she has to fight him off. For a while it looks like she killed him, but he surfaces again.

   For whatever reason, Fonda sends his thugs to finish off Scarlet. They follow the girls to an opium den, where Scarlet tries to unload some dope and collect enough money to skip town. I guess I'll leave off there just in case you want to see the film for yourself.

   The main highlights here are occasional scenes with George Murdock (as a detective, natch) and Moses Gunn (as Tracy's father), always a few steps behind the girls and reflecting on what lead to the trouble everybody is in. Seeing two old pros at work elevates these scenes far higher than they have any right to be. You find yourself wishing they had been the focus of the story rather than the Hard Luck Girls.

Ultimately, I can't be sure if this movie is Oscar bait posing as exploitation drama, or exploitation drama posing as Oscar bait. Like I said, go with Teenage Doll instead, you'll find a lot more meat there (and the adorable June Kenney is always welcome on my screen).

   By the way, the title Certain Fury doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything in the film itself.

Oddball Film Report: THE FOG (1979)

Note: this review was originally written for www.jabootu.net's Video Cheese and has been published here by the kind permission of Mr. Ken Begg.

THE FOG (1979-color)

"There's something in the fog....."

  Now, I'm going to assume we've all seen this film, but for the sake of the one or two people out there who haven't, I'll avoid major spoilers.

   As a kid who liked science fiction movies, I felt let down by THE FOG because it was a ghost story and I really wanted to see a movie about a living, killer cloud-like creature that shrouds a small town (I still would, truth be told). As an adult, I can more appreciate the supernatural horror story John Carpenter has fashioned. Looking upon the film fresh from last night's viewing, THE FOG is a really good flick!

   As I'm sure you know, the main hook of the film is as a modern ghost story. In this case, the ghosts are the waterlogged specters of the shipwreck of the Elizabeth Dane, a leper ship which sank in a thick fog when a phony signal fire drove it into the rocks near Antonio Bay. 100 years later, the ghosts are allowed to roam our world and take their revenge upon the citizens of Antonio Bay, demanding six lives in place of the six founders who plotted the shipwreck a century before. Much like the Crawling Eyes, the ghost/zombies shroud themselves in a thick -and glowing- mist that has no respect for natural laws.

   The tone is set right off the bat as we spy an old salt entertaining a group a kids with his campfire ghost stories. He relates the tale of the Elizabeth Dane as it has come to be known. (He does this the final five minutes before midnight, although the counter on the VCR betrays that this speech is actually less than three minutes long!) The accepted version of the story leaves out the leper angle, and the plot to kill the lepers before they can make a settlement only a mile from Antonio Bay. 

   One item is featured in both versions of the story, though, and that's the dense fog that mysteriously rolled in as the Elisabeth Dane was nearing shore.

   The campfire tale concluded, the town's tower-clock strikes midnight. Over the next hour occur strange happenings. Bottles rattle, car alarms go off, windows shatter. At the local church, Father Malone (Hal Holbrook in a part intended for Christopher Lee) observes what appears to be a small earthquake. This dislodges one of the stones in the wall and exposes a century-old diary. 

   Most chilling, a small fishing boat at sea is caught in an unearthly fog, out of which appears the decayed -but walking- corpses from the shipwreck of the Elizabeth Dane!

   Not happy after soaking for 100 years, they promptly slaughter the crew of the younger boat. When one of the bodies is found the next day, there is every indication it has been submerged in salt water for a month! The unearthly happenings of this night, however, are just a preview of the horrors to be unleashed upon Antonio Bay as it celebrates it's 100th birthday....

   Again, I'm not going to spoil things for the small number out there who may not have seen the film, but it really is a terrific little horror movie. Director John Carpenter is in top form.

   A lot of credit goes to a great cast that includes Tom Atkins (minus his mustache this time) and the previously mentioned Hal Holbrook, as well as screen legend Janet Leigh! Also along for the ride is Leigh's daughter, Jamie Lee Curtis (breakout star of Carpenter's earlier HALLOWEEN, who I admit is a fine actress, but her constant casting as a physically desirable woman confuses me no end, similar in a way to Karen Black), and Adrienne Barbeau. John Houseman even puts in some time.

   The film is full of the usual Carpenter in-jokes. There's a doctor named Phibes, mention is made of Bodega Bay (locale of THE BIRDS, and later the early PUPPETMASTER movies), Atkin's character is named Nick Castle (Carpenter's ling-time friend who played "The Shape" in the film that really put Carpenter on the map, HALLOWEEN), Antonio Bay shares a lot of the same street names as Carpenter's home town, etc.

   A great horror story, one I'm a bit upset I never paid the proper respect to before now. Well, living is learning. I can now fully recommend this certified classic.

   Fortunately, the film is available on a MGM disk featuring a stunning transfer. I'll have to pick one up to go with my new VHS copy!

Video Cheese: SLEEP STALKER (1995)

Note: this piece was originally written for www.jabootu.net and has been published here by the kind permission of Mr. Ken Begg.

SLEEP STALKER, THE SANDMAN'S LAST RITES (1995-color)

   "Bland A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET knock-off."

   This review will be short, because there's just not that much to say about the picture. As well, I've previously examined the slasher genre in my review of PROM NIGHT.

   In the 80's, the "horror" genre was nearly hijacked by the sub set of "Slasher" films. Even today, I notice, a lot of younger types used the term 'horror' for a Slasher pic. While there might be a technical basis for this usage, it doesn't really sit well with older horror fans who saw the 80's slasher boom nearly overthrow gothic and monster-based horror films completely. Put simply, "horror" is supposed to create a sense of creeping dread, while the slashers did little more than try to gross audiences out. (For what it's worth, though, the studios certainly gave their audiences what they desired from them.)

   Slashers were base, practically pornos with guts in place of flesh. Intelligence was never a requirement of the genre, only a number of bodies, creative kills, and a bit of nudity along the way. Although the odd gem like FRIGHT NIGHT came along, the decade's only decent genre entertainment was largely limited to science fiction films like CRITTERS, MUTANT (not to be confused with FORBIDDEN WORLD), LIFEFORCE, NIGHT OF THE CREEPS, and INVADERS FROM MARS.

   One notable exception* was Wes Craven's A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. Despite playing into the conventions of the same kill-a-bunch-of-teenagers formula the Slashers were noted for, Craven also played against them by creating a slick, intelligent, and actually frightening film. The killer here, Fred Kruger, didn't mindlessly hack people to death with a big knife as he schlepped through the woods. Kruger stalked his victims in their very dreams, dealing out fantastic and outlandish horror which would carry over into the real world. 

(*I hasten to make mention of MY BLOODY VALENTINE, which stuck closer to the traditional slasher template but did so while serving up an unusually strong script and likable set of characters.)

   In short, the story concerns high school student Nancy, who begins to have nightmares. Her circle of friends share these nightmares, which are actually the work of dead child-killer Fred Kruger. Kruger, after being burned alive by the parents of his victims, has somehow managed to transform into a dream-stalker capable of physically killing the offspring of the mob that killed him. Nancy manages to piece things together, but can't find any help in stopping Kruger. She must enter the dream world and pull Kruger back into the real world in order to stop him herself.

   The film was a box office smash, and the Kruger character instantly took his place as an icon of horror. Over night, the burned madman forever became "Freddy" and the studio, New Line, demanded sequels. And so, "Freddy" continued to stalk his victims in their dreams, and gobbled up huge profits in the process. (Ultimately, a rather silly pattern would take shape, one of Freddy being pulled into the real world so he could be killed, only to re-emerge a few years later as a phantom that again needed to be pulled into reality in order to be killed so he could stalk dreams again...)

   A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, PART 2: FREDDY'S REVENGE found a young man now occupying the house Nancy had lived in earlier. In a Cronenberg-esque plot, Kruger intends to physically invade and take over the boy's body in order to enter the real world. This entire affair was overlooked when Wes Craven was returned to script the third (and best) entry, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, PART 3: DREAM WARRIORS. After that was a number of increasingly dreary and tiresome re-treads.

Despite the character being handed off to lesser talents and forgettable movies, Freddy remains Wes Craven's most visible gift to American and world pop culture. Wes would get a chance to play with the character again after the original run of films had officially "ended." New Line put the franchise to bed with FREDDY'S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE, but saw the film pull in enough cash to justify suspending their decision. Wisely, they turned to Craven with the idea of jump-starting the series again. Wes crafted a surprisingly intelligent film in WES CRAVEN'S NEW NIGHTMARE. This picture was set in the 'real' world, into which an ancient evil force was trying to gain entry in the manifested form of Freddy Kruger (having been given this form by the public acceptance of Freddy as a symbol of evil). The film re-united original cast members Heather Langenkamp, John Saxon, and Robert Englund. 

   WES CRAVEN'S NEW NIGHTMARE didn't live up to box office expectations, but the character refused to die. Weirdly, Kruger was returned in the surprisingly good cross-over vehicle FREDDY VS. JASON, where the dream stalker was paired with Jason Vorhees of the rather more representative FRIDAY THE 13TH series. More recently, the original film was subject to a decent, if typically useless, re-make.

   Needless to say, inferior knock-offs would attempt to cash in on the success of A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. Obviously, there would be less Freddy clones than Jason or Meyers clones. Freddy's very nature demanded more intelligence and effort than the genre's producers would usually be willing to provide. Complex stories and impressive visuals just weren't hallmarks of the genre. Still, a handful did give it a try...

   SLEEP STALKER, THE SANDMAN'S LAST RITES is about as naked a ripoff as one could imagine. It also came out AFTER the slasher cycle had largely ended. 

   It's complete steal from Craven is also hampered by the fact that this particular knock off is pretty bland. Granted, it's better than the worst of the Freddy films, but not by much. Honestly, I don't know how much I can say about the film. It's competent enough to not be a total dog or anything, but it's sheer blatantness keeps it from being all that good. (This is a case of a naked ripoff that doesn't quite work.)

   It's fairly cheap, but the acting tends to be decent (if the lines poorly written). I think this might technically pre-date the 90's adventure version of THE MUMMY, but it shares with that (far better) picture a killer that silently stalks his prey by turning into sand. The physical effects for this are pretty simple things like reversing the film and turning the camera upside down while someone pours sand around the set. This is used to demonstrate the Sandman changing into a pile of sand and creeping through keyholes and under doors and such. Pathetically, the video box boasts of it's cutting-edge digital effects (which are few, obviously). These are rather drab, even for 1995 (especially for 1995, since JURASSIC PARK was released in 1993!).

   In the end, Bland is pretty good description of the whole affair.

   Our story concerns a boy named Griffin. As a child, The Sandman, a local serial killer, broke into his home and murdered Griffin's parents. The Sandman, his lips scarred from having been sewn shut by an abusive father when he was a child, is killing all families that have 7 year old boys in the house. He also likes to recite lullaby and sleep-oriented songs in a voice that makes him sound like a rather drowsy Fred Kruger. 

   Griffin sees his Mother killed and the Sandman gives chase. Fortunately, the Police arrive just in time to capture the beast.

   17 years pass and Griffin is now a young man hoping to make a career for himself out of an interview with an elusive street thug named "Dog." This really doesn't mean much to the story, but then not much here does. Griffin has some colorless and annoying friends who will act as fodder for the eventual killing spree, but he has a developing crush on his pal Megan.

   Despite being convicted 17 years ago, The Sandman is going to be executed at midnight. (Of course, this is set in California, which doesn't have the death penalty anymore -or else Charles Manson wouldn't still be living off the tax payers' collective dime over 50 years since his conviction!) Before the Sandman walks the last mile, he's visited by a 'priest' who was also at the scene of his arrest. Turns out both he and the Sandman are part of some cult and they're making arrangements for the Sandman to return from the dead. That he does, forming out of a sand dune, and he comes looking for Griffin.

   After a lot of rigmarole, we learn Griffin is actually Sandman's younger brother, which is a gender-switch steal directly from HALLOWEEN 2! 

   I'd like to say there's more here than just watching Sandman stalk Griffin, occasionally tuning into a cloud of sand to fit through heating vents and such... but really there isn't. While the acting (in general) is serviceable, the script is pretty moronic. The dialog tends to be either lame or outright terrible, and that hampers the actors who at least seem to know what they're doing.

   Another miscue is how the movie goes about offing the Sandman. They establish a couple of times that water is his enemy. Being made of sand, water quickly dissolves him, and they make sure to set this up so we'll take notice. Griffin should be able to kill his opponent simply by turning the hose on him, or splashing a cocktail in his face, or just urinating on him. But instead, he formulates a Rube Goldberg operation to flash burn the Sandman, because heating sand turns it into glass. 

   Why he assumes a glass-based killer is better than a sand-based one, I don't know. This idea fails horribly, and makes Sandman even more dangerous (only after thinking about it again did I make the connection that Sandman's glass shard arm is a weak recall of Kruger's infamous clawed glove). He's still mostly sand though, but rather than go back to the whole water-dissolves-him thing, the characters further implement the turn-him-into-glass plan. And if you think this was so they could do this cool effect where he breaks into a million glass shards at the end, you're wrong -something that highlights just how stupid the movie is!

   You try to take away what bright spots you can. It was nice to see a modern-era movie where characters smoked cigarettes like normal people and the movie didn't look down on them for doing so. Though this trait wasn't given to the 'heroes' of the film or anything like that, that's becoming so rare, you sort of admire it when you see it! Still, if that's the best thing you can say about a movie, it ain't much of a movie.

   So, in conclusion, my recommendation is to stick with A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (along with it's first two sequels, WES CRAVEN'S NEW NIGHTMARE, and FREDDY VS JASON). Should you want more, there is the admittedly decent, though thoroughly pointless, remake.