Video Cheese: The Video Edition

Note: These reviews were written for Video Cheese, a feature of www.jabootu.net. They have been published here by the kind permission of Mr. Ken Begg. God bless him.

VIDEO CHEESE: THE VIDEO EDITION
Today, we'll be examining some materials packaged exclusively for home video...

MULTIPLICATION ROCK (1987 - color)

" Cloris Leachman acts as host for a series of videos from Schoolhouse Rock!"

   And really, it's not any more complicated than that.

   This video is a themed collection of segments from the popular Schoolhouse Rock! series, played with the addition of newly-shot wrap-around footage depicting famous actress Cloris Leachman dancing and singing with some very peppy kids.

   Okay, Schoolhouse Rock! was an infamous collection of cartoon shorts aired on kiddie block television beginning in 1973. Although the animation and design were very crude, the show used music to help kids remember basic principals like history, grammar, civics, and, in the case of this collection, math. With an aggressively modern and largely urban aesthetic, the shows used catchy pop-like tunes to help kids grasp what they were learning in school. And it seems to've been very effective. Not only does the program remain a broadcasting staple to this day, but it's memorable tunes and distinctive style have kept it in the hearts and minds of many adults who count it among their top ten on the nostalgic hit parade.

   The show was an ABC staple until 1986. A year later, this video was created (presumably as part of a series) to bring the classic show into your own home (I understand a definitive collection has just been released by Disney, which gobbled up ABC some years back. I wonder if they thought about including the wrap-around footage from these videos as an extra feature). 

   For whatever reason, they don't just compile the cartoons and let them speak for themselves, feeling the need for this new footage to write a jazzy new theme song. This does make sense, as it was common practice to fill kids' programming at the time with energetic kids who would sing hopefully-catchy songs (likely due to the example set by The Mickey Mouse Club decades earlier). That's provided you feel new footage was needed in the first place, which even as a child, I wouldn't have.

   (Kiddie show hosts become stars to most children, but I always thought they were eating up time in which they could be showing cartoons, which I thought was the main draw of such shows. I was a bit of a jerk at times, yes.)

  When the actual snippets from the original show begin, we're taken through a series of mathematical songs devoted to the numbers 2 through 9, and then a special tribute to Zero. We're obviously looking at a different time, here. Not only are kids shown running around outside, but the '2' song even uses Noah's ark as the means to demonstrate the power of 2. 

   I notice '1' isn't included in the parade. I guess it really is the loneliest number...

   The box makes sure to promote the involvement of Cloris Leachman, who I'm sure the kids were all crazy about in 1987.......

   I assume the actress was involved behind the scenes in some capacity. Maybe the videos were her idea to begin with, and one of the other producers suggested she appear in new footage to give the videos some extra juice? Whatever the reason, she's there in all her glory twisting around with a bunch of kids, towering over them like King Kong in a native village. 

   They've done what they can to make her look glamorous, but it's still Cloris Leachman, in 1987 yet, so she's still going to look like Cloris Leachman. I don't wish to sound rude or unchivalrous, I've just never found her to be all that attractive. Seeing her early work, in fact, is like watching a completely different actress.

   Born in 1926, Leachman was Miss Chicago of 1946, and competed in the Miss America contest! She later found decades of employment as a television actress, doing just about every major show you could think of. This includes parts on Ironside, Adam-12, Dr. Kildare, Perry Mason, Gunsmoke, Hawaiian Eye, The Big Valley, and many, many more! Her first major part was as the Mom on Lassie back in the 50's (the version of the show, I believe, which was alternately titled Jeff's Collie), and of course she would later become a part of Mel Brooks' stock company. She may be best remembered in the long run for playing Frau Blucher in YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN.

   For genre fans, she had a small part in KISS ME DEADLY before doing a One Step Beyond ("The Dark Room") and a Twilight Zone ("It's a Good Life"), as well as three Alfred Hitchcock Presents episodes! In the 70's, she did two Night Gallery shows and played Hippolyta in the Wonder Woman pilot movie for the Lynda Carter series which followed (where she was replaced by former Morticia Addams, Carolyn Jones). She did a Muppet movie, a Herbie movie, and provided narration for the 1991 Richard Keil-scripted and starring THE GIANT OF THUNDER MOUNTAIN, but that's among countless other things. She even won an Oscar for THE LAST PICTURE SHOW. 

   She really doesn't do anything of note, here, though. No more than we see, her scenes could have been given to any actress, or removed altogether! Adding to the pointlessness of the new footage, a lot of it just has one of the kids shouting the title of the next song at the camera before it starts in earnest. They even flash the name of the song we're about to hear.

   Although MULTIPLICATION ROCK isn't without it's charms, it seems an odd format for a learning tool. The skits should have been placed on the tape by themselves, although I have my doubts that I, as a grade-schooler, would have retained all this. I think the songs might be stronger if seen one at a time, allowing for reflection on the principals of one number before launching directly into another piece. And if one of these songs could be screened right before a test focused on that particular number, even better!

In the end, I don't think it'll replace DONALD DUCK IN MATHMAGICLAND.....

GRANDPA'S MONSTER MOVIES (1988 - color)
      "Grandpa Munster shares a collection of 30's and 40's monster movie previews."

    Al Lewis achieved pop immortality when he found himself cast as "Grandpa" on an oddball 1960's sitcom called The Munsters. As the older Count Dracula, who had now settled in the American suburbs with his son in law, Herman the Frankenstein Monster, and his family, Grandpa was the resident mad scientist who was quick with a sarcastic quip. 

   The show lasted two years, and spawned a feature film (MUNSTER, GO HOME) before it was all over, but Lewis wouldn't be putting away his cape and widow's peek just yet. Somehow, the actor got permission to use the 'Grandpa' character outside of the series and he found himself periodically cackling for the rest of his life. 

   Officially, there was also another Munsters feature, the TV movie THE MUNSTERS' REVENGE. Aside from that, Lewis did at least two stints playing Grandpa as an actual horror host (in a later incarnation for TBS, some of which I saw myself as a lad). One assumes Lewis was meant to be cast as the similarly dressed Grandpa Fred, a horror host that dreams of being a news anchor in GREMLINS 2, THE NEW BATCH. Lewis also put powder on his face to host a couple of videos built around trailers from old monster movies. This video is the lesser of those.....

    Lewis spends the length of this one sitting in front of green-screened cemetery drawing, introducing various movie previews, occasionally joking with his off-screen assistant, Igor. Far from the best material Grandpa has ever spouted, you just sort of wince through this stuff and wait for the previews to start.

   The previews we get are mostly for the old Universals. Among them, we see previews for FRANKENSTEIN, DRACULA, DRACULA'S DAUGHTER, FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLFMAN, ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN, THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, FLESH AND FANTASY, HORROR ISLAND, THE MUMMY'S HAND, THE MUMMY'S CURSE, THE WOLF MAN, WEREWOLF OF LONDON, HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, etc. 

   Such trailers being in public domain, you see, there were quite a few trailer compilations released by smaller video outfits during the 80's and 90's. What struck me about the ones seen on this tape is that most of them came from television archives and had been given Screen Gems tags. Par for the course, hardly any seen here are from the actual first release. Re-issue trailers tend to be easier to obtain, and in the case of Universal pictures are usually the original trailers with a new title block at the end of the trailer. These were for multiple reissues during the 40's and 50's under the Relart banner. At some point, they must have been sold to television to help advertise the new packages of monster movies sold as part of the Shock! package, among others. That would explain the Screen Gems TV logo.

   Otherwise, not a lot to get excited about here. Lewis looks more bored than anything else, even a little bitter over having to do this, although he gives it the old college try. He probably got $100 to show up and sit around for a couple hours in front of a green wall, hopefully under a fan, but air conditioning isn't always found in those tiny Burbank studios (although its likely they did this in an office building somewhere). 

   In the end, it makes you appreciate the production values Lewis enjoyed during his run on TBS (although rumor has it he hated everything about that show).

 FEDERAL FOLLIES (1987)
     "A collection of training/civil defence films packaged by someone with a real grudge against them."
 
    This is Volume 1 of a continuing series of videos, but I can't say if they ever got beyond Volume 2.

    The attitude of this release confuses me no end. Rather than assemble a collection of training films under the assumption that someone might actually be interested in seeing such for their historical -and educational- value, the video box make a big deal about how out of touch these films must seem to the modern viewer. Yet, it's not like we're really served anything that could be considered all that outrageous. There's even a text block at the beginning of the tape that notes the producer of the video in no way supports or endorses the things actually said in the films. After viewing them, that would seem to indicate the producer of the tape in no way supports respect, restraint, or safety. 

   Possibly knowing how goofy these protests sound, each short is preceded by a long essay explaining what's wrong with each short, yet these zip by so fast that you only have time to read the first couple sentences.  It's like they were embarrassed by what they'd jotted down (which frankly, they probably should be).

   We get three shorts, two from the US Navy, and one from the Office of Civil Defence.

    "Blondes Prefer Gentlemen" (1966-color) tries to school sailors on how to act in polite society, and most of what we see here is just basic rules of respecting those around you. Wait until your hostess is seated before you sit down, place your napkin in your lap when you eat, don't smoke at the dinner table unless there are ashtrays and everyone has finished eating, pretty basic stuff.

   Essentially, this reel could be called "Goofus and Gallant in the Navy." Two sailors, both keen on the same really cute blonde, are invited to dine at the house of a friend and his new bride. Both guys ask the Blonde to attend as their date, and then we watch as the social graces, or lack thereof, are demonstrated by the two sailors. 

   This involves seeing the same evening played out, once with Goofus as her date, and then with Gallant as her date (the characters have different names, but that's basically what's going on here). One is polite, has a swell evening and charms his hosts, and he ultimately wins the girl. The other guys is a real slob, and she cools on him pretty quick. A narrator does a play by play, letting the bell bottoms in the audience know how they should act while on shore leave. All in all, a pretty useful short to screen before a social gathering and pick up a few last minute tips on how to act around others. 

   Kid friendly too, not something you can count on when it comes to Navy training films. For example.....
 
    "The Decision Is Yours" (1970 - color), not so much. An emotionally complex short, again produced by the US Navy, we see a sailor emotionally blackmail his girl into putting out on their third date, and then struggle with the aftermath when she discovers that she's That Way. 

   A large chunk of this one features Bill, our sailor, arguing with his good and bad sides (played by different actors, so they can interact in the same shot). Bill's good side tried to keep him out of trouble, but his bad side just wants to have A Good Time. Only confusing himself, Bill goes to see the Chaplin and they discuss his options. Despite being enlistment age, Bill is apparently too young to get married to the girl(?), even if he wanted to, which struck me as sort of odd in 1970. In a realistic wrap-up, things are still up in the air, and two promising young lives have been more or less ruined by bad judgement. 

   I know this was aimed at sailors, but I found it pretty hard to lend any emotional support to a guy who more or less forces a nice girl into 'showing him how much she loves him' when her defences are down. Uniform or no, I found the guy to be a real creep, and his subsequent lack of a spine in taking responsibility for his actions didn't endear him to me any. 

   Supposedly, the aim of the film was to show sailors what they shouldn't be like, but knowing that the potential to be Bill lurks within each man watching the screen. Ultimately, Self Control is stressed, although they admit that temptation lies around every corner, and explore how sexualized pop culture and society at large had become by 1970. One wonders what the makers of this short would think if they saw the American society of today. 

   Back to the tape, though, nothing is said here that could really be considered out of line with mainstream thinking in 1987. Today, though, in our anything goes culture, there might be some snickering at the notion that ANYONE would exercise sexual self control. With noting that, I need to go have a good cry over the state of my country before we examine our next short....
 
    "Duck and Cover" (1950) is the classic civil defence short that tries to educate school children in how to survive an atomic blast by curling into a ball and keeping under whatever cover can be found, be it a desk, or even a jacket. 

   For some reason, Duck and Cover has been the subject of much ridicule in the post-atomic age. This confuses me all the more after screening the short again. There's nothing said here that's inaccurate or misleading. Supposedly, the jokes about Duck and Cover come from the idea that if the A bomb goes off, nothing will survive. But that's only true of the immediate blast zone. What these kids are instructed to do would, in fact, save a lot of lives were the bomb to actually drop and the instructions demonstrated here were carried out. 

   Flash burns alone would be massively reduced if one is covered quickly, even by a thin covering like a jacket pulled over the head. A desk would actually provide quite workable protection during the immediate attack. In an actual attack, Civil Defence workers would be out pretty quickly once the prompt radiation had passed, and they would round the survivors into proper shelters to treat and protect them from lingering radiation and fallout. 

   I think much of the ribbing at Duck and Cover's expense comes from the misconception that the Bomb would be unsurvivable by anyone close enough to see the flash. That's just not true (there's probably even more misinformation on radiation today than there is concerning tobacco). Duck and Cover, as demonstrated here, would cut far down on casualties if the bomb ever actually did fall. The problem Today is, there are no Civil Defence units to help restore order after the blast (at least not on the level that there were in 1950). 

DRACULA, A CINEMATIC SCRAPBOOK (1990)
   "Trailers and film clips illustrate the history of Dracula movies."

   One of many tapes made by compiling a number of theatrical trailers connected by a common theme, with a little narration tossed in to connect the loose threads, DRACULA, A CINEMATIC SCRAPBOOK is a fairly typical quickie product that required very little prep time or effort, yet is still fun to watch. Since movie trailers are public domain, the only real work that goes into something like this is the writing of an overview of whatever genre is being discussed and maybe getting a few pictures to flash across the screen between the previews. Oh, and a narrator, but if you have to, you can just get the guy from accounting to read the lines for you.

    There were a healthy number of these tapes made during the late 80's and early 90's, most of them about dinosaur movies. There were also volumes about Frankenstein, werewolves, horror in general, etc. The focus of this tape is, of course, the many filmed adventures of Count Dracula (although given the sheer number of such films, this is hardly the most complete study). The main area of heavy exploration will be the Dracula cycle of Universal in the 30's and 40's, a side trip to examine Bela Lugosi's career as a vampire, and the Hammer cycle of the 50's-70's. 

   About what you'd expect, really. I doubt they cover anything here we haven't already heard, but there are some fun previews on display. I hadn't seen all of them, so I was pretty entertained. I would have enjoyed seeing more of the obscure stuff, as most of the films covered here are fairly well-known, but you take what you can get sometimes.

   We start with a brief overview of the pop culture importance of Bram Stoker's novel, and the historical elements that inspired him. 

   The first filmed version of the story, although changed for copyright reasons -this was before the name of Dracula fell into public domain- was NOSFERATU back in the silent era. Meanwhile, the stage version was playing to packed houses, and a Hungarian actor named Bela Lugosi was mesmerizing audiences in countless performances.  In 1931 Universal bought the film rights, and ultimately cast Lugosi in the part. The rest is motion picture history.

   From there, as you might imagine, we get to see the trailers for DRACULA, DRACULA'S DAUGHTER, SON OF DRACULA, THE RETURN OF THE VAMPIRE, MARK OF THE VAMPIRE, HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, HOUSE OF DRACULA, and ABBOTT  AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN. Dracula then more or less rested until the late 50's. A few more Lugosi films are high-lighted, such as GHOSTS ON THE LOOSE, SCARED TO DEATH, and PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE. 

   Yes, mention is made that Bela was buried in his Dracula cape. 

   1958 was a banner year for the Count, producing the under-rated BLOOD OF DRACULA, and the under-seen THE RETURN OF DRACULA, in addition to the full color Hammer epic HORROR OF DRACULA. I was pleased to see they were thoughtful enough to include the two black and white films, real gems that are sadly pretty obscure and often overlooked. 

    Hammer, and Christopher Lee, now take center stage, and we see the trailers for the Hammer cycle, as well as the occasional offbeat item like BILLY THE KID VS DRACULA, which is a better film than it's ever given credit for. We even get a few minutes from a promo reel made for DRACULA A.D. 1972, as well as a peek at a couple other Lee pictures such as UNCLE WAS A VAMPIRE and Jess Franco's more text-faithful version, COUNT DRACULA. Jack Palance's fine Dan Curtis film is also mentioned, as well it should be!

   Toward the end of the tape, it suddenly turns. It's been a pretty kid-friendly ride up till they show the preview for THE SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA (aka DRACULA AND HIS VAMPIRE BRIDE), and suddenly there's a bit of nudity on display, something that continues into the trailer for THE 7 BROTHERS AND THEIR 1 SISTER MEET DRACULA! Oddly, since they decided to go in this direction, they don't even mention THE VAMPIRE LOVERS, which was a far better film than you'd expect, and it's sequels (nor do they mention BLOOD OF DRACULA'S CASTLE, COUNTESS DRACULA, or any of a number of supposedly mentionable films). 

   From there, there's only a brief recap of some of the recent vampire epics, such as FRIGHT NIGHT, in a collective sense, noting that Dracula was surely due to return soon. You can't say they were wrong about that, now can you?