Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Oddball Film Report: HIRED TO KILL (1990)

Note: this review was originally written for www.jabootu.net, and it has been published here first by the kind permission of Mr. Ken Begg.

HIRED TO KILL (1990 - color)
"A mercenary and some lady commandos go undercover as a fashion designer and his models, aiming to heat up a revolution on a small island nation."

   Going into HIRED TO KILL, I wasn't expecting THE DELTA FORCE or anything. I wasn't even expecting THE PANTHER SQUAD, for that matter, because the video box looked like it was trying to pass itself off as an Andy Sidraris movie. This is education, as it demonstrates that Sidaris had a successful formula, even though he didn't do it very well.

   Sidaris made movies that were pretty blunt about what they were, which is to say economical action movies mixing fiery explosions with gratuitous nudity. Big guys with big guns would mix it up with busty gals who carried big guns, and blow up a few bad guys. At least once per picture, often two or three times, the girls would strip down for a shower or the occasional hot tub scene. With this reliable exposure of female skin (though it weirdly became increasingly fleeting as the cycle grew older), the films of Mr. Sidaris became staples of the video rental era. What always struck me was, given the simplicity of Mr. Sidaris' formula, how poorly he did it! Andy's movies always ran too long and thought themselves more amusing than they were. Seeing a film trying to front as a Sidaris-a-like sounds okay on the surface, since they might do a better job with the same materials. The problem was, I had seen a film from our director already, one Nico Mastorakis, and it was a chore to sit through. So much so that as result I had a bit more respect for the Sidaris cannon!

   The film I had seen was a limp espionage/college comedy called SKYHIGH. I found  myself leaning on the fast forward button, a pretty rare occurrence in my house. The plot detailed a trio of unlikable students on vacation to the Mediterranean who find themselves in possession of a mind-control cassette tape sought by enemy spies. It was a lifeless affair that had me running screaming for the nearest Matt Helm movie I could get my hands on (the Tony Franciosa pilot movie included). That SKYHIGH wasn't Nico's first film is embarrassing, and I soon learned just how well Sidaris made his movies (we're grading on a curve here). Needless to say, this did not bode well for the film I was about to watch.

   This is my fourth female commando movie, and interestingly it reworks a lot of elements from HUSTLER SQUAD, which actually wasn't a bad movie (and I've given it a full review previously, for those interested). HUSTLER SQUAD involved a plot to use women posing as concubines to infiltrate an island cathouse where top Japanese brass would visit during WW2. This was to help Filipino rebels. The operation was under command of a Colonel who really wasn't keen on the idea of using women as commandos, but came to respect them.

   HIRED TO KILL involves a plot to use female commandos posing as fashion models to infiltrate and overthrow a dictator's ruthless island government and help some rebels take control. This operation is under control of a mercenary who doesn't like working with women, but comes to respect them. I suppose there're only so many plots you can dream up for a female commando story, but the first half here was weirdly similar to the earlier film.

   Both involve suicide missions requiring female agents working in tropical surroundings, both feature the male hero and his immediate underling -female- enlisting volunteers from various seedy locales, including prison. Both films feature a squad member who is over-sexed, one who was traumatized by being raped, one hiding from authorities, and one who killed her lover. In both films, the girls are placed under command of a man who doesn't like the assignment and then the ladies engage in intensive training. The similarities were so strong in the first half, I wondered if HIRED TO KILL weren't an unofficial remake of HUSTLER SQUAD....

   Much to my relief, HIRED TO KILL starts like an actual movie, with a decent 'action-movie' title sequence of transparent blue wording on a stark black background, with a driving piece of surprisingly decent 'action-movie' music. This was so well-done, it got my hopes up that maybe this would be closer to THE DELTA FORCE than it had any right to be (yeah, right). Certainly the cast being headed by George Kennedy, Oliver Reed, and Jose Ferrer meant it could go in either direction. It ultimately was a lot better than I expected, pretty decent for this kind of thing, really. Fortunately, somewhere in there, Nico figured out how to make a movie (taking on a co-director probably helped too)!

   With the credits finished, I immediately sank back into a state of dread. The first thing we see is a private yacht at dock. This (along with the inevitable cowhide briefcase, cross-dressers, and model helicopters) was an Andy Sidaris staple. At once, I recalled my favorite of the Sidaris line, MIAMI EXPRESS. "Cody Abilene just got another case" I said to myself...

   Cutting inside the craft, we see a man trying to sleep as the telephone is ringing. Pulling a huge revolver (another Sidaris trademark, as his films always featured a guy who carried around a .44 magnum -although they could never hit anything), the guy shoots his telephone. Har har, I suppose. Our sleepy hero, Ryan, is still roused, however, by what appears to be a CIA agent. A man named Thomas wants to see him.

   Fortunately, from here on, the film improves quite a bit. Thomas is played by George Kennedy, and he gives a much more lively performance than I expected. Considering he more or less sleep-walked through COUNTERFORCE and the dreary ALIEN-knock-off THE TERROR WITHIN, I wasn't expecting this to be much higher on his list of fine performances. Much to my delight, this proved a refreshing reminder of why Kennedy is one of my favorites. Weirdly, it may be one of his best performances of this period! He also looks trimmer than usual, or at least moreso than he did playing Ed Hockin.

   Thomas represents a mysterious corporate/government entity, to which the CIA are mere lackeys, looking to overthrow a tiny island's ruthless dictator, Bartos (Oliver Reed, rendered practically unrecognizable by his bushy handlebar mustache and Latin accent). Ryan is the best man for the job, but security is so tight that a squad of men will never get in. The solution is to send in a squad of female agents, under Ryan's command. They'll cover as a fashion designer and his top models. Funny how you'll play along when you're actually watching the film, only to later fully realize how comical a film's premise can be!

   So yes, this is basically Charlie's Angels writ large.

   There's not really enough of a plot to go into, as this is all stuff we've seen in a dozen other films (although it's handled well, relatively). Our commandos fight among themselves before coming together as a unit and shooting a bunch of bad guys holding Jose Ferrer hostage in an old castle. One of their number is a plant, sent in to make sure Ryan and his crew don't fully succeed. It's all pretty basic stuff. 

   The film does unexpectedly kill off Ryan's potential romantic interest half way through, however, so that was unexpected (though it probably shouldn't have been so shocking, since this also happened in RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD, PART 2). Even more unexpected was that he would quickly develop a relationship with the girl he most recently met!

   The film was mostly a showcase piece for Brian Thompson, who plays Ryan, in the hopes of building him up to be the next big action star. While not a bad actor, and certainly built well, the ugly Thompson really doesn't have the looks, or chops, to be a leading man. He's made more to play heavies, and he's played quite a few of them. He probably got the most attention on the big screen by playing the Night Slasher in the popular Stallone film COBRA. On TV he's been pretty busy, maybe most remembered as the 'Alien Bounty Hunter' from several episodes of the long-running The X Files.

   Not particularly smooth, Thompson does what he can. He has a few good scenes, such as a moment toward the climax where he mentally questions his orders to kill someone.

   Another good scene has the paranoid Bartos trying to catch Ryan with his guard down. Ryan is posing as a homosexual fashion designer (I know, just go with it), and Bartos posits his theory that man requires sex with a woman to give his life something soft he can cherish, or some such. While explaining this, he undresses his moll* who is actually an undercover rebel agent and caresses her breasts. Ryan pretends he doesn't find her all that attractive and Bartos makes her leave before walking over to Ryan. Thinking he has the drop on Ryan, Bartos grabs Ryan's crotch to check his arousal at the previous display. Caught, Ryan kisses Bartos and pretends to come on to him. Bartos has Ryan escorted from the room. Admittedly, Bartos wiping his mouth while stammering at this unexpected move struck me as pretty funny.

(* This again raises the nudity issue. This young woman has two scenes where her breasts are flashed, but otherwise the film has only a little cheesecake via swimwear. It's a genre noted for it's gratuitous nudity, but I manage to keep drawing films that don't feel compelled to play that card. What're the odds?)

   He's probably at his worst in a scene where he argues with the rebel girl about the merits of each other's respective jobs/lifestyles. This is supposed to be a fight that results in a sexual encounter. The problem is that Thompson lacks any sort of smoothness for this sort of thing. He comes across as a brutish thug, and the resultant sex scene plays more like a rape. His holding the girl down by the throat during their congress probably didn't help counter this vibe.

   In the end, though, not a bad action movie if you're looking for a way to kill an hour and a half. It's better than most of your cheap made-for-video fare, actually getting a theatrical release from Paramount, although it's still a B picture. The ending isn't bad, either*. Not gangbusters stuff, but a bit better than I was expecting.

(SPOILER - *Actually, it's quite endearing for not just killing off it's bad guy when the good guys are given a clear shot. Instead, they leave the unarmed dictator to the rebels who surround him.

And then there's the actual finish. Earlier in the film, Ryan made it clear to Thomas that if he got double-crossed, Thomas would die. Thomas jokes that Ryan will be back in time to help him celebrate his birthday. Naturally, Ryan gets double-crossed and the film ends with Thomas arriving home to find Ryan and the girls singing "Happy Birthday" before Ryan cocks his pistol and wishes Thomas well. We then cut to black.)


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